Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
