yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
