I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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