I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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