every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
