I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
