the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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