So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
did i walk over a car last night?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
