I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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