I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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