well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
