ugly people sure do ruin things
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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