the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
