I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
