They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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