just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
