i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
