I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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