When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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