Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
