in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize