dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
