Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
