I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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