I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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