just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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