jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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