I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i dont even know how to be here
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
