Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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