I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
