there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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