Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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