i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
