I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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