So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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