Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
