so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
