I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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