"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
