Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
