News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
