Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
