i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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