The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
