Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
