I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
