Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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