I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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