if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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