This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
