I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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