What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize