I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is wine microwaveable?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize