Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
