If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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