too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
