Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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