one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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