I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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