I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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