If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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