dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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