when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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