proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
