I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
